


Prefect Lupin Had a Dog; or, The Prefect's Miscreant's Tail

by klynie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Blanket Permission, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-27
Updated: 2007-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-27 07:49:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/659562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klynie/pseuds/klynie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sirius Black gives his opinion on the age-old question: is a man gay if he sings ABBA in the shower?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prefect Lupin Had a Dog; or, The Prefect's Miscreant's Tail

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ekaterin24 (zlabya)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zlabya/gifts).



> Written for RS_Small_Gifts. Thank you for the fun prompt, ekaterin24! Much love for my betas, empathic_siren, and persevero, who graciously gave me an eleventh hour edit. Any remaining mistakes are my own. And thank you, magnetic_pole, for giving me the chance to contribute to this fest!
> 
> Prompt: tub or shower, spell gone hilariously wrong; special food/meal

**Prefect Lupin Had a Dog; or, The Prefect's Miscreant's Tail**

  
  
Remus Lupin had plans for his Saturday that most definitely did not include scouring Hogwarts for his missing friend. However, since James was playing the besotted boyfriend to Lily and Peter was serving detention with Binns, he was the only Marauder available to find Sirius.   
  
The stupid twit. And since Sirius had lost the Marauder's Map to Filch the month earlier, it meant Remus had to search the entire castle.  
  
"Psst! Remus!"  
  
Remus whirled, but saw no one. "Sirius! Where are you? McGonagall's furious – Peter let it slip that you didn't come back to Gryffindor Tower last night."  
  
"Shh!" Sirius's voice came from behind the statue of the one-eyed witch. "You've got to help me."  
  
Remus frowned. "What's going on?"  
  
"Get in here and I'll show you." A hand grabbed Remus.  
  
Remus stumbled into the darkness of the Hogsmeade tunnel, running into a familiar solid form.   
  
"Good lord, you reek!" Remus said, pushing Sirius away, his nose wrinkling. " _Lumos!_  What's going – Sirius?" Remus started grinning. "Do you have – are those dog ears? And a tail? What happened? Did you get stuck when you Transformed?"  
  
"Laugh it up," Sirius muttered. "Regulus said he had to talk to me about something important after dinner last night, and when I showed up, he hexed me. Padfoot looks much better than this mutt, I'll have you know."  
  
Remus could barely contain his laughter. "Well, why didn't you come up so that we could take care of it?"  
  
"Because the bastard slapped a Portkey around my neck and sent me to some damned bog on the other side of the Forbidden Forest," Sirius said. "I just got back a bit ago, and I've been waiting for one of you to show up."  
  
"You're aces at Transfiguration," Remus said, still amused. "I'd think you could have taken care of this yourself."  
  
"He put an Ego Non Operor Charm on it," Sirius said sullenly. "I couldn't break the hex myself."  
  
Remus grinned. "At least one of the Black boys is reasonably intelligent. Well, first things first – let's get you a bath."  
  
"As long as we stop by the kitchens on the way," Sirius said. "I'm starving."  
  


vVvVvVv

  
  
Thank Merlin no one but Remus used the prefect's bath on the seventh floor.   
  
Remus sat against the wall, his Advanced Transfiguration studies book propped up on his knees, idly eating one of the pumpkin pasties that Sirius had abandoned when he jumped into the bath.   
  
The ears had proven to be easy. The tail, however … well, it was plain that Regulus had done some research. Remus thought it was ironic that he'd hexed Sirius with a dog's ears and tail.  _If he only knew._  
  
Sirius frolicked happily in the huge bath. "Moony, why haven't you ever shown us this bathroom? You sneaky wolf!"  
  
"Wash up, you idiot," Remus said. He glanced at Sirius – who was occupied twisting spigots and flipping levers, releasing great gouts of foam – and squirmed.   
  
Remus had enjoyed having a retreat unknown to any of the other Marauders, but particularly Sirius. He felt vaguely guilty that he used the remote bathroom primarily for solitary wank fantasies about well-built male bodies.  _Stop pretending, Lupin. You use it to wank over Sirius,_  his conscience sneered. Hopelessly straight Sirius, who had cavorted with most of the girls in seventh year if his stories were to be believed.   
  
Remus tried to keep his eyes averted from Sirius's naked, wet body, but it proved to be much more interesting to watch him than to read the Transfigurations text.   
  
"Listen! Sound familiar?" Sirius began to twist taps and pull levers, releasing various hoots and whistles in a vaguely rhythmic manner. "It's the Hogwarts song!"  
  
"Your talent is breathtaking," Remus said. "Are you clean yet? I think I might have an idea how to get rid of the tail, but I'd rather not smell the many natural wonders of the sinkhole Regulus dropped you in while I'm doing it."  
  
Sirius grinned and slipped out of the bathtub, dripping unselfconsciously as he padded across the floor. He shook his head and his tail, sending water flying, and then plopped down beside Remus.  
  
Remus shoved him. "It'll serve you right if you get the book so wet that I can't figure out how to reverse the spell."  
  
Sirius leaned his wet head against Remus's shoulder and looked up at him soulfully. "You wouldn't abandon me, would you? Not my very own Moony?"  
  
The appeal did strange things to Remus's stomach. "Turn around, you twit," Remus said, trying to sound disapproving while he cast a Drying Charm. "Let me see your tail."  
  
Sirius grinned and climbed to his hands and knees. He wagged his great plumed tail elegantly across Remus's nose. "This one feels a lot heavier than Padfoot's. You know. Bigger. Thicker." He turned his head to look at Remus, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively.  
  
"I suppose that's subtle if you're a dog," Remus said. "Stop waving that thing around and let me look at it." He grabbed Sirius's tail and held it still.   
  
The fur felt silky in his hand; suddenly, Sirius trembled. Remus felt an answering frisson of arousal ripple through him.  
  
He stroked the tail.  
  
A visible shiver ran the length of Sirius's body. He looked back at Remus, his blue eyes nearly black. "Do it," he said hoarsely.  
  
"Do what?" Remus asked.  
  
"Take me," Sirius said.   
  
"What?!" Remus yelped, jumping up.  
  
"Ow, ow, ow!" Sirius replied. "My tail! My tail!"  
  
Remus let go quickly, and Sirius curled the tail around his body. He rolled his eyes at Remus. "Let's try that again, shall we?"  
  
"You said … you said … " Remus stuttered.  
  
"Yeah, I did." Sirius grinned. "It'll be brilliant. I tried it a couple of times with my wand just to make sure."  
  
"Do you know how dangerous that is?" Remus said, aghast, though whether at Sirius's proposition or his idiocy in using a wand in – that way – he really wasn't sure.  
  
"Well, yes, now I do, of course," Sirius said. "It seemed a good idea at the time, though."  
  
Remus shuddered; he didn't even want to imagine what Sirius had done to himself. "You're twisted," he said.  
  
"Why? For buggering myself with my wand or for asking you to do the buggering instead?" Sirius wagged his tail again. "You're not a prude, are you?"  
  
"Of course not," Remus said automatically. His mouth was dry. "Sirius. You're asking me to – to penetrate you?"  
  
"Penetrate, bugger, roger, plunder," Sirius said. "Fuck, in other words. You know. Like gay guys do it."  
  
Remus flushed again, this time with anger. "Don't make fun of me."  
  
Sirius twisted around to sit cross-legged, elbows on his knees, the tail curled gracefully around his arse and feet. His prick looked quite coy, bobbing about his lap. "I'm not. Look, I know you want to do it."  
  
"Just because, because … " Remus choked. " … I'm gay, doesn't mean I want to fuck you. And put that thing away before you put out an eye!"  
  
Sirius's cock twitched flirtatiously. Sirius grinned. "I knew it."  
  
Remus groaned. "How long have you known?" he asked, burying his face in his hands.  
  
"About you? A year or so. About me?" Remus looked up as Sirius paused. "I've been waiting for you since fourth year, Moony. Do you know how hard it's been?"  
  
"Really difficult, I'm sure. Don't give me that." Remus glared. "All those girls. And now you're trying to tell me you're gay, too."  
  
"You were driving me crazy!" Sirius said. "Prancing about in your pants, stripping off for the moon,  _showering naked_  – what was I supposed to do?"  
  
"Look the other way, like any decent person would!"  
  
Sirius ignored his outburst. "Three years of foreplay. That's a long time. Can you blame me if I had to get some relief every once in a while?"  
  
"Three years – " Remus shook his head. "You expect me to believe that?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "I've never been very good at waiting. But I did, for you. I'm very loyal like that, you know. It's the Padfoot in me."  
  
"You waited for me." Remus paused. "Right. Let me get this straight – "  
  
"No pun intended."  
  
Remus glared. "You've been attracted to me since you were fourteen."  
  
Sirius and his cock nodded.  
  
"You didn't know that I was gay until about a year ago."  
  
Sirius scratched his neck. "I suspected before then, but as soon as you started singing 'Dancing Queen' in the shower last year, I was sure."  
  
Remus slapped his forehead. "Just because a bloke sings ABBA songs in the shower doesn't mean he's gay, you twit."  
  
Sirius gave him a dubious look. "You keep telling yourself that, Moony."  
  
"You don't sing ABBA," Remus pointed out. "Yet you're telling me that you're gay."  
  
"I'm a subtle gay," Sirius said with a grin.  
  
"You're a subtle moron," Remus muttered.  
  
"Okay, if you need more proof, what about your penchant for chocolate-covered éclairs? With extra cream filling?"  
  
"I've got a sweet tooth."  
  
"Your habit of eating your sausages a little at a time from the end of your fork?"  
  
"It's easier than cutting them up."  
  
"The way you slurp spaghetti and let the sauce dribble down your chin?"  
  
"I'm sloppy!" Remus shouted in frustration. "Stop reading something into my every disgusting habit!"  
  
"Internalised homophobia," Sirius said, shaking his head. "Being gay isn't disgusting."  
  
"Socially unacceptable eating behaviour is, though!" Remus pulled his hair. "Sirius, just shut up about my perfectly normal, non-gay, teen-aged disaffected youth habits! Yes, I'm gay. I admit it. But I'd still sing ABBA and eat éclairs and slurp my spaghetti if I weren't, you idiot!"  
  
"Doesn't matter, though, does it?" Sirius shrugged. "You're gay. That's all just a part of you. The gay part, mind you."  
  
Remus had had enough. He knelt in front of Sirius and looked him in the eye. "And you want me to fuck you."  
  
"Yes, please." Sirius leaned forward eagerly.   
  
Remus leaned forward, too. "With my cock."   
  
Sirius whimpered. "Yes, please."  
  
"Right here."  
  
"Or over there. Or in the showers, or on the Quidditch pitch, or next to Dumbledore in the Great Hall at breakfast – anywhere it takes your fancy." Sirius started to pull on his tail, running its silky length through his hands over and over, as if it were a lifeline.  
  
"This is madness! Sirius, I can't – I'm just not casual like that." Remus sat back, defeated. "I can't do it if it's just for fun."  
  
Sirius studied him for a minute and then, before Remus could move, he let go of his tail and took Remus's face in his hands. "I want this, you twonk," he said, his voice husky. "I want you."  
  
And then, Sirius Black kissed him.  
  
Brilliantly.  
  
The kiss had  _nuances._    
  
Remus had never had a nuanced kiss before. This kiss was full of them – the best friend nuance, and the hot nuance, and the never-ending-could-go-on-forever nuance and the really-turned-on nuance and – oh God – the love nuance.   
  
Sirius was serious.  
  
When he eventually ran out of air, Remus pulled back and took a deep breath. "Thirteenth lever on the second row," he said, dazed. "It's the slickest."  
  


vVvVvVv

  
  
After several hours of experimentation, Sirius agreed – it  _was_  the slickest.   
  


vVvVvVv

  
  
Exhausted and ridiculously happy, Remus reclined in the warm water, Sirius stretched out on the platform beside him. Remus absently stroked Sirius's tail.  
  
"Hmm. Maybe I should keep it," Sirius said shrewdly.   
  
Remus went red and reluctantly stopped his fondling. Sirius took the opportunity to slip into the water next to him, using his tail to stroke Remus in long, lazy swipes.   
  
Remus allowed himself a moment of fantasy. Surely having a permanent tail wouldn't impair Sirius over the years: it made a convenient handle to grab and its feathery soft strokes against his bollocks when he was pressed close to Sirius were quite … he shook his head as practicality asserted itself. "No. Think of the clothing expenses."  
  
"Think of the times when clothing just gets in the way," Sirius countered.  
  
One last flutter of lust and then Remus crushed the dream and reached for his wand. "No," he said firmly. "It goes. Hold still."  
  
"Wait!" Sirius said, but Remus was already incanting.  
  
 _"Perdo a cauda!"_  
  
Sirius yelped. "You might have cut off my prick, you prick!"  
  
"No, I didn't," Remus said. "Feel around, you idiot."  
  
Sirius made a funny face while he ran his hands over his nether regions. He sagged against Remus in relief. "Nope, you're right. The tackle's still there, just the tail missing."  
  
Remus tossed his wand on top of his clothes and sunk deeper into the water. "I'm curious. You're not normally an imbecile, at least as far as your brother is concerned. What did Regulus say to get you to talk to him alone?"  
  
Sirius looked away. "He just said he had some information that I'd find interesting."  
  
"And you expect me to believe that's it?"  
  
Sirius squirmed. Remus's eyes widened: Sirius was blushing. "You can tell me, you know," Remus said gently. "I won't say anything to James or Peter."  
  
"He said," Sirius licked his lips nervously. "He said that you were – you were buggering Snape."  
  
Remus sat back, shocked. "Snape? And you believed him?"  
  
"The thing is," Sirius continued, "I was furious. I hadn't said anything to you, and I thought Snape had beat me to the punch."  
  
"What?" Remus asked. "Who were you mad at? Me?"  
  
"Well, I was when I thought you might be with Snape. I mean, really, Remus. I would have thought that you had better taste."  
  
Remus shook his head. "You have a point there," he admitted, trying his best to look innocent. "If my choices are between you and Snape, I'm not sure that I'm showing the best judgement. At least Snape would have got me through my N.E.W.T.s. Maybe I should rethink this … "  
  
"Not even as a joke," Sirius said fiercely.  
  
Remus looked at him and smiled. "Not even as a joke," he agreed. "Now come here."  
  
Sirius wriggled into the circle of Remus's arms with a very self-satisfied smirk. "Good thing none of the others know about this place," he said.   
  
"Good thing," Remus agreed.  
  
Damn. He'd miss the tail.  
  


_~fin~_


End file.
